


through sadness

by avxry



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: College AU, Depression, M/M, Modern AU, alex is sad and thomas is kind, maybe pre slash, possible trigger warning, pre slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 19:24:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11065524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avxry/pseuds/avxry
Summary: Alexander is sad again.





	through sadness

Alexander is sad again. This isn't anything new, anymore. It happens almost every other day. He honestly thought he was getting better. He honestly thought that depression had given him a break, had let him go for a little while.

What a laugh. Depression doesn't let go. You either rip it away from you, kicking and screaming, or just get used to its presence. It never, ever, goes quietly. It rarely ever _goes_ at all.

He feels it like a weight on his chest. It had been there all day long and he hadn't even noticed yet. Since the moment he woke up, he had felt it, that little something that brought him down, but it hadn't even registered. He just thought he was just a little irritable today. He should have known.

He even had plans today. He was going to meet up with entire squad, John, Hercules, Lafayette, Thomas, James, and the Schuyler sisters. They were all hanging out at this new lounge on the corner.

His mind had different plans, apparently, because here he is, half an hour before he's supposed to be there, still lying in bed in sweatpants, scrolling through his phone numbly. Thomas, his roommate, had left early this morning for class and wouldn't be coming back before meeting up, and the others had all texted him to make sure he was still coming a while ago, so no one would even find him. They would text when he didn't show up, of course, but who's to say if he would even answer?

He's reached the end of new posts on his Facebook feed and he's about to switch to Twitter when the door opens.

In walks Thomas, adorned in his fashionable gray peacoat and scarf, dropping the door key in the little bowl beside the door.

"Alexander?" he says before he's even shut the door. Alexander doesn't move much, just shifts a little to get a better look at Thomas, who spots him immediately.

"Running behind?" he jokes lightly, but there's caution in his voice.

Alex doesn't answer, instead opting to say, "I figured you'd go straight to the lounge after class."

Thomas shrugs, taking off his scarf and walking further into the room. "You seemed a little off this morning."

"You don't have to check up on me," Alex replies, his voice a little bitter despite his relief that someone caught on.

"I know," Thomas says with a meaningful look. He removes his coat and tosses it, and his scarf, on the desk chair, taking a seat on his bed, which sits opposite Alex's. "You doing okay?"

"Fine," Alex answers, going back to his phone so that he doesn't have to look at Thomas. The two of them have a strange thing going on. They used to be enemies, and even now, they disagree almost constantly - but there's an understanding between the two of them. Their relationship has gotten increasingly intimate, and if Alex didn't know any better, he'd say the two of them were dating without even realizing it.

"Don't lie to me," Thomas says, a teasing tone in his voice, but his eyes display concern. "Talk to me."

Alex considers this for a moment before sighing, tossing his phone away and rolling on his back to stare at the ceiling. "I don't know. It's just . . . there."

Thomas looks at him sympathetically. "Is there anything I can do?"

Alex shakes his head, feeling hints of a tear in his eye. He bitterly blinks it away, not willing to cry in front of Thomas. It's stupid, anyway; there's not even a reason for him to feel like this.

"It's just like I'm on autopilot," he says without thinking. "I'm here, and it's me, but it feels like everything is happening without me. And I can't stop it."

Alex can't see Thomas's face clearly, but he knows what it looks like anyway. It's twisted up in a state of worry and sadness and sympathy.

If he were to be honest with himself, Alex wants Thomas to just wrap him up in a hug for a few minutes and not say anything. He doesn't know why that would help, but it's what he wants.

"Do you want me to text the others and tell them we can't come?" Thomas asks.

Alex looks over in diluted surprise. "We?"

Thomas nods as if it's obvious. "I'm not leaving you here like this."

"Well, I'm not letting you stay and miss out," Alex replies stubbornly, turning back to face the ceiling.

"Alexander," Thomas says sternly, his voice leaving no room for an argument. "I'm not going. You don't need to be alone like this."

"What if I want to be?"

"You don't," Thomas answers. "I know you. You need someone."

Alex curses himself for confiding in Thomas. He had told him during a different bout of depression that he never wanted to be alone, just wanted someone for quiet company. Of course Thomas wouldn't forget.

"I don't want you to miss out," Alex repeats.

"I don't mind."

Alex looks over and sees that Thomas really _doesn't_ mind. And it sends him over the edge. He feels tears again, and he tries to push them back, but they're just as stubborn as he is. His face contorts in sadness.

Thomas sees and immediately moves over. "Do you want me to -"

"Yeah," Alex sniffles, and Thomas lays back on the pillows and curls Alex up in his arms, holding him close and running his fingers through his hair.

"It's okay," he mumbles gently. "It'll be okay."

Alex thinks that, maybe, it might be.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this a really really long time ago when i got sad for no reason. poor alex, i project on him way too often. 
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoyed this and i hope it made you feel better if you're feeling sad too <3


End file.
